Question by : Is this better? New intro.?
Chapter One
“High school sucks” I muttered to myself while sitting in Mrs.Jaykinings Class. I hate school so much. I was glad it was the end of the day, I couldnt wait to go home, maybe me and my twin would piss
off our stupid stepmom again. While I was thinking of ways to piss her off Mrs.Jaykinings called on me
“Allyson, what do you think the author is trying to say in this stanza of the poem?” God, my English teacher annoyed me so much.
“I don’t know, and I really don’t care”
“Allyson, your a very intelligent student. Show me your intelligence and give me the correct answer.”
“No! I don’t give a shit what the author is trying to say!”I snapped back at her.
“Detention for you afterschool, I’ll be calling you mother.”
“That women isn’t my mother, my mother is in heaven.” I got up and walked out of the classroom. I really hated my stepmother, her name was Dawnalynn.
She ruined my life and I know my dad loves her but I still think she’s a whore. I kept walking down the hall to my locker when the bell rang to signal the end of the day.
Finally, I could go home. I saw my twin Rosalyn running down the hall to meet me. It was so easy to tell we were twins, we only had two differences. She had short dark brown hair and my hair was
long and I had my monroe pierced other than that we had the same golden skin, baby blue eyes and we were both 5’7 and we were slim.
“Ally, I’m captain of the cheer squad. I’m so excited.I hope we make it to nationals this year!”
“Geat Ros! I’m glad one of us had a good day.”
“What happened this time?”
“It was nothing just that old hag Mrs.Jaykinings, she gave me detention again. Sometimes I want to rip the gray hair off of her head.”
“You know what Dawnalynn going to say. ‘Oh Allyson your such a troubled child!’ but she doesnt understand you does she?”
“No, and she never will! Common let’s go home. I’m not in the mood for detention”
“Okay.”
We continued to walk toward the door out into the blazing sun. God, the sun burned so damn bright in Texas. “Ugh! This sun will kill me, I have a massive headache” I said to myself as I got into my
red mustang. “I agree with you on that one Ally” Rosalyn said. I almost forgot she was there with me. I started drving down the street while Ros kept babbling on about cheerleading. The twenty
minute ride seemed to only last two seconds with her talking so damn much. I pulled into the driveway. I knew I was in a lot of trouble. I walked into my house to see Dawnalynn. She had long
curly blonde hair and piercing green eyes. Her skin was paper white. Sure she was pretty but I still think my dad made a hug mistake marrying her.
“Allyson Venturi sit down” I sat in the chair she pointed her long finger at.
“You young lady are in alot of trouble!”
“So?” I simply replied back.
“Don’t disrespect your mother.” She said.
“You are not my mother!”
“Yes, I am. You will do what I say and that is final. You’re grounded go to your room and think about your bad behavior!” She was treating me like I was five! I got up and screamed at her
“You’ll never be my mother, and I won’t do what you say” I ran out of the house. Dawnalynn was screaming for me to come back, but i wasn’t going back,
I never would. I noticed Rosalyn running behind me screaming
“Ally! wait for me! Your not going anywhere without me!” I stopped in my tracks and waited for her to catch up.
“Ally, you can’t hate her forever. Dad loves her and she’s our mom now.”
“She can never replace our mom!” I screamed in frustration. I was crying.
“Ally, calm down. I know you miss mom but she’s not here but she’ll always be with us.” I knew she was right.
“Run away with me, we can be free of her!” I blurted out.
“I’ll run away with you.” We contiued to walk up the street and my crying died down. I started to feel this odd pain building up in me. I felt dizzy and there was a sharp pain in my side.
I was slowly losing my balance and the pain felt like a knife was being shoved into my side and pulled out and shoved back in again It was unbearable.
I screamed out in pain, and a few seconds later Rosalyn did too. I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand,
I fell to the ground… Rosalyn was still screaming holding on to he rside. I couldn’t take my own pain anymore I started to sob and scream more. Was I dying? It felt like it. Then everything
faded into a shadow..
It certainly isn’t done but hopefully it’s better.
Best answer:
Answer by Xoxoxo
It’s quite good, but I think you need to rephrase some sentences like “but i still think she’s a whore”
what’s the book actually about?
What do you think? Answer below!
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It’s flat. you came in giving me a character who’s an unoriginal black sheep twin, with an unoriginal evil stepmother. Don’t TELL me how the main character feels, SHOW me. how do you feel or act when you hate someone? or when you’re mad? describe that to me, and I’ll be able to figure out myself how the main character is feeling. The dialogue is also flat, you just have to make the story 3D, and it’ll be much better. good luck
Yeah I love the new intro. Good ideas, and I want to see what happens next.
~Rachel