Question by I-Deserve-The-Best-I’m-Beautiful♥: HOW IS THIS PART OF MY BOOK? CRITICISM ALLOWED?
DEMETRIA ARCH-
Never in my life had I been so freaked. Severus just revealed Kyle for who he rightfully was and it was nothing good. Kyle and Severus were staring at each other loathingly. “You know, I never noticed she saw anything in someone like you.” Kyle growled to Severus.
“And I didn’t know she had such bad taste…” Severus retorted, his eyes were staring to glint with anger. Kyle smiled wickedly and backed up from Severus. “Take her I don’t care.” Kyle said sincerely.
“No! Don’t believe him!” i screamed. But right as I hollered Kyle threw black paint on severus staining his white-shirt. The only thing I was scared about was Severus’s hair.
The paint that was thrown on him was known to stain clothes and hair but not skin. “I ought to kill you,” I growled viciously. No one touched Severus anD got away with it. Kyle smiled and gestured for me to attack. I jumped into the air but Severus snatched me down to the floor. I screamed out in agony it felt as if one of my bones had been broken.
Severus looked down at me and picked me up silently. “I’m sorry, love.” He whispered. he walked out of the room holding no grudge. Why had he done that? any other time he’d let me rip Kyle’s head off or call Kyle some malicous names. What gave him and exception now?
HOPE YOU LIKED. THEY’RE VAMPIRES SO DON’T THINK HIM SNATCHING HER IS A LITTLE NUTTY EXCEPT FOR IT IS…HMMM I GUESS IT IS…
Best answer:
Answer by Mye Thyme
Someone who loathes another person or who is out to kill someone would not be throwing black paint on them. How does that hurt? Does this paint have a special effect on vampires?
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
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IT was good..although it sounds like Twilight with the ‘I’m sorry,love” and the paint was a little werid..but over all it was good! 😀
I don’t get the paint thing. I like “I’m sorry, love.” It seems interesting. It would help if I knew more about it but sounds good so far. Keep up the good work!
You can’t name a character Severus without people instantly thinking “Oh, Harry Potter.” It won’t work. If you leave the name in, nobody will ever take the book seriously.
The paint doesn’t make sense.
“No!” I screamed as he stained the shirt beyond recognition. “Oh god, please no!” Bu it was too late. That plain white t-shirt was ruined forever, and there was nothing left to live for.
What’s going on there? Maybe it could be considered as intriguing (What is the significance of the paint? I want to understand!) but it’s made too clear: his shirt has been stained, and the world is ending. Loathingly is not a good word to use, ever, because really, it isn’t a word.
And…her options are to rip of his head or call him names? She’s like a mentally deranged five-year-old.
Also, vampires have kind of been done to death. Everybody’s obsessing. Including a lot of people whose mental image of a vampire involves impossible speed and strength and totally invincibility, like every vampire is freakin’ Superman. As someone who’s been studying vampires since he was nine, I can only express absolute disgust for that.
You’re not a bad writer, though you lack polish, but the bit here doesn’t seem to have much potential to me. Sorry.
I could be wrong, but I rarely am.