Question by Kingc: Re post: is this story good 1-10 and tell me the reason why?
its entitled “Rock And A Hard Place” its told through the first person. ( Warning: it does have explicit content)
Im a average joe. Brown hair, brown eyes,white skin, and 6 feet tall. The only thing that makes me different then every other @sshole is my job. I kill people… I work from the butt stock of my rifle. I grew up in 5 different orphanages, so nobody really knows my name. They just call me Rock because i show no emotion, emotion is a weakness that people exploit and then you wind up dead. I don’t do it for the money, and i don’t do it for fun. i do it Because its the only thing im good at in life.
Im going to Sicily to complete a contract for the Costalenie family. I was able to avoid detection because my guns are made from a prototype hardened plastic. I then received my contract at the penthouse they reserved for me. It said i had to kill and young female named Anna Rosaliene, I knew why I was doing this contract. To end the Rosaliene blood, the other rival family in Sicily.
I went to the apartment with my pistol, she lived in a apartment without windows and she never came out. i then walked into the apartment and saw her. Then I pointed my gun at her and finally I… “Stop! please im begging you.” she then started sobbing and I asked “Why? Why should I let you go” She then said “Because im pregnant!” I then asked “A girl or boy” she then said “Its a boy… Why do you care!?” I then realized it wasn’t her that was going to takeover, only a man can be a leader of a family in Sicily. I tried to pull the trigger but I couldn’t do it. I killed innocent people before, but the only code I ever followed was to not kill a kid. “what month are you in?” she then said “the fourth!” Now i definitely couldn’t kill her , it wasn’t because of my emotions but this is the only code of honor i have.
But how could I tell my contracter this? He owned almost everyone and everything in the country. And I couldn’t try to say I did because someone would see her alive and report back to him. He then called, and I told him what happened. “WHAT!!! you better be joking!” I said back ” No, im not. I told you that’s the only code i have.” he then replied “Im paying you, you better do what i say! You know what? your dead, your fu
Answer by Bobby Prince
With ‘1’ being toddler babble and ’10’ being James Joyce’s Ulysses, I’d rate this as 5.5. It needs a fair bit of work still, just to the writing style. Here’s a couple pointers from me, take them as you wish:
– Try being a little more descriptive regarding the characters actions and the settings. I can’t really visualize very much from what you’ve written. Personally, I’d expand what you have into a more full ‘chapter’, with some extra space dedicated to describing the setting and characters.
-Stop forming so many repetitive sentences. If I read another sentence starting with “I
-Generally, I’d put each new line of dialogue on its own line to make it easier to read, but that’s not strictly important, and it’s an adjustment that can wait until the end of the editing process.
I do think you characterized your main character well (an emotionless killer calling the girl ‘a young female’ adds to the notion that it is very clinical and professional to him), so props for that.
What do you think? Answer below!
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Thumbs up. I haven’t any more to say