Question by : What do you think of this story so far?
It’s called “My Boyfriend, the Wolf Slayer”. Please be honest!
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I felt weird, and I was in my own territory too; it was the people who had invaded my territory. There were three of them, and the only one not looking at me was my age. His full name was Bernhardt Stieglitz Hasslein, but he preferred to be called Hardy. He had already proved smarter than me and more attractive than senior Marco Matthieu. Hardy definitely was good looking. He had dark brown hair that curled away from his neck, and in the front it was combed into a neat wave. His eyes were the color of milk chocolate, but when the sun hit those eyes, they looked like caramel. His skin was a perfect tan, and I could tell it was his natural skin color. He had thick eyebrows – not bushy, just thick – and they were the same color as his hair. He was, described by any normal girl, a god.
But I was never normal. My name is Kasey Kayla Kolchak. I couldn’t hold a boyfriend very long, as my mom was way too overprotective when it came to boys. I loved to quote classic novels, namely Gone With The Wind. I had long wavy white hair, gold eyes, pink cheeks, and I often wore men’s clothes. I was dangerous to be around, so many people didn’t talk to me.
I first laid eyes on Hardy in AP Chemistry; he was in my Chemistry class. I hated his guts the second he walked through the doors into the Chem lab. And I could tell by the look on his face that he hated my guts too.
I was sitting at the table in the back; the only empty seat just happened to be next to me. He took it and joined me at my table. Mr. Patrickson hadn’t come in yet, so everybody was talking loudly or texting. That was when I noticed what Hardy was wearing and what he was doing: He was reading a Playboy. He wore a black t-shirt with a white Playboy bunny on it, denim shorts that showed his muscular and hairy legs, and red high-top Chuck Taylor’s. There was a broken shackle around his right wrist, and on his left the were tight ropes.
“Name’s Bernhardt,” he said, not bothering to look at me. “You’re the best Chemistry student here, right? I suck at it. But, hey, you can’t be a genius in everything, can you?”
I pulled out my cell phone and quickly texted my friend Lois about him. “I don’t care,” I told Hardy simply.
“I’ve been single for some time now; can’t seem to hold a girlfriend for very long,” he went on.
“I don’t care,” I repeated, closing my phone.
“And of course you’re like an alien when you come to a new school. This is my, like, fourth school in the past two years,” he continued.
I turned to him and found him staring at me, his hand holding up his head. “Dude,” I said, “I really don’t care, okay?”
He closed his magazine and grabbed my cell from my hand. He crushed it like a bug, and I knew at once he was not a guy to mess with. I stood up and was about to walk away when he kissed my lips. I smacked him hard across the cheek. Everybody was staring at us now, including the teacher. I glanced at the remains of my phone and left the lab.
“Kolchak, we need to talk,” Hardy called.
I turned around. He had followed me to the southern entrance of the school, and he was only fifty or so yards away. He stood there, his muscular arms at his side, his mouth open slightly as he gained some lost breath. I opened the door and started out slowly.
“Anything you say, Hasslein,” i said through clenched teeth. “But frankly, my dear, I don’t give a d***.”
Best answer:
Answer by 丰IchLiebeTokioHotel
The wording is choppy and hard to follow, and there are many grammatical errors. The concept seems a bit cliche and overdone, but if you polish it a bit it could successfully be pulled off.
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I don’t like your title. It gives way too much information and I haven’t even read anything yet.
“His full name was Bernhardt Stieglitz Hasslein, but he preferred to be called Hardy.”
Do we need to know this *right* now? If not, it’s an information dump.
I only got to about the next two sentences after that. It didn’t hold my attention.
I kind of just forced myself to read your paragraph where you introduce your main character. It’s a major info dump. Spread the details out and her looks are very unrealistic.